"My friends think you're a big joke"

It's interesting the stuff that bothers me and the stuff that doesn't. I guess if I understood myself better I would not be in the situation I find myself at this time.
I hesitate to write this as it looks like I don't have permissions to shut off the email posting so you don't see it this weekend. I meant what I said, I really do want you to have a fun time. You know the address so you can choose to ignore it or read it as you wish.

I need to write this or it will continue to bounce back and forth in my head for days.
It's stuff I'd like to say if I could.
I'm sorry to hear that your friends find me so amusing to them.
If I was trying to be funny it would be great. But unfortunately this is seriously important to me, which is likely one of the biggest reasons for why this has escalated, that I have taken everything so seriously.
As if it's life and death.
It is life, life the way I have envisioned it for many years... not exactly the way I would like but what I (we) have been able to accomplish.
But it's not death. I need to quit thinking of it that way because I really have been. I have been mourning for what I had rather than seeing what is and what could be.
Brian has indicated many times his philosophy of "leave or stay, I'm ok with it either way". It has always really bothered me. It smacks so much of disinterest and uncaring. I'm starting to realize how I have been so wrong. I know the old saying and Found this.
It all gets back to "you can't make someone love you".
If it is not free choice then it means nothing.
I am having a really difficult time doing the let it go part.
I am sorry that has meant extra pain for you.
That is exactly the opposite of what my original intentions were.
I have been selfish from that perspective but please forgive me because I was selfish trying to get back something really nice that we had.
I can honestly say I did do all those things that Brian and Holly said would help, not all the time and not perfectly but I did do what they suggested.
The problem however was not exactly what they or I realized it was, at least not at the beginning.

I hope you can start to get back some of those years since you were 11,
or maybe realize that what you had was pretty good so you can be happy with the choices that you feel you were forced to make and then go on from there with other good choices.
I really do hope you find what you are looking for.
I've been selfish lobbying to make those choices include me.


Please consider again what you want to do over the next weeks.
As you indicated, I will be gone most of next week.

I think I am finally at the point with myself that I can be here in the house and let you live your life the way you want without continuing to try to get back what I want.
As you said, I know you can be happy living by yourself (with Norman!).
I cannot be happy being by myself all the time.
But I will look forward to whatever new choices I get to make in the future and work hard to make things amicable and leave you lots of space.

What I mean is that I know you will do what you feel is right but I don't want you to be in a hurry to leave just to get away from me.
That way you (and I) can both start over in the best conditions we can manage.


I want you to know that my friends think you are a really smart and caring oncology nurse person and a couple who I've talked with about our troubles know that for some reason you have decided you don't want to be with me anymore, and they know this is not a joke.