I have never wanted to ignore you! In fact i've said over and over that i want to be friends and cont. to be friends. i like doing things with you when you aren't hammering at me about what you don't like or what you don't understand. i can't explain any better what makes me feel like i do. i just know that i have needs that unfortunately can't be met by you no matter how hard you or i try. Yes, some of these needs are from child/teenagehood. I can't help that i went from a father to a husband without the inbtwn that i feel like i really need to experience now.

it has always been my intention to keep the lines of communication open and i have never denied that the years we have had together have been for the most part wonderful despite the ups and downs. i'm glad that i've had those years with you and wouldn't trade them for anything. i also wouldn't trade jacob for anything despite how i sometimes feel that he affected my life and our marriage to a certain extent. i truly love you both. i need and want you both in my life, but chuck unfortunately i just don't have to give you what you need from me. i know this all seems weird, but i have thought about it a lot and i know that i have needs and wants that i need to find on my own. part of it is even that i just need to experience life on my own.

there is always the option of a trial separation, but i don't think that is going to change anything and i would really like you to find someone who makes you happy and can do things with you that you love to do. i want nothing more then for you to be happy and i don't think that i do that on any level.

as far as you sleeping upstairs, you were snoring when i came to bed and the only reason i ended up in the chair is because i've been having a hard time adjusting to the time change and even just being comfortable in the bed. i've slept in the chair many a night even when you weren't in the bed. i have no problem hugging and cuddling with you. i need that as much as you, i just can't give you more then that.

i truly feel your pain and that makes this that much harder for me. sometimes i wish i could just turn that part of myself off, but that's not something that i've learned to do yet. so yes it makes it really hard when you hammer at me and tell me all these things that are logical to you, but are not what i feel and maybe i'm illogical about some things, but i've always done things by my intution and feelings. my "gut" tells me that this is what i need to do and i guess if it's wrong then they're my consequences to deal with not yours or anyone elses.

i hope all this makes some sense.